Watching the Sun Rise / Working in Extremes

This morning I watched a beautiful sunrise in Onomichi. I was lying awake in bed, checked my watch, looked out the window, and saw a pale light looking back at me.

It had been a while. I’d missed it. Over the past few weeks, I feel like I’ve been working in extremes, particularly when it comes to waking up. For a near two-week stretch, I was woken at 4am each morning. Then, returning from the retreat, I suddenly corrected course entirely and have rarely been truly up and at firing before 10am. In terms of my body clock, this change is drastic, and I think it speaks to other factors as well. Namely, a need to catch up on sleep, and a desire to slot back into the exisiting ebb-and-flow of the social world, particularly with Mary.

I love to watch the sun rise. Equally, I’d love to be as present as possible with my girlfriend and her schedule, too—especially after being away for so long. If I wake up at 8am and start my day, although I’ll have generated extra alone time, which is tremendously value, I haven’t accomplished either of the two aforementioned priorities. So, it has made the most sense to either commit to a dawn wake-up call, or a sleep in.

Mentally, I feel amazing when I’m up early. It sets my day on such a great trajectory so often and that isn’t something I want to gloss over and let fall by the wayside. Admittedly, I struggle to grapple with sleeping in late. I know I’m conditioned negatively in that way. There is nothing inherently wrong with a schedule shifted to favour later hours. Also, I shouldn’t be in any rush. I have taken a year away to slow down and be more present, yet I find it difficult to shake the bitter taste that arises when I feel I’m not doing anything, despite that precisely being something I’m striving to embrace, and also not objectively being the case.

So, I try my best to walk towards that aversion. Often, that has meant working in extremes, which confuses my body clock, I’m sure. Yes, I uniquely place early-morning time on a pedestal, ideally irrespective of how it is spent, yet my mind continues to treat it as a tangible commodity, with investment options that will inherently determine whether it produced positive or negative value for the day. But either way, the time simply passes, and I want to be present for it, not constantly mulling over whether I’m using it in the right way.

I want balance, but I derive the most fulfilment from two polar extremes. Thus, a compromise must be made. Uniquely a social dilemma. Not a bad one. Just something to weigh up moving forward.