Knowingly Irrational Fear

At some point this evening, a switched flipped from fun to fearful. Again, I felt the floor fall out from underneath me. In different ways, though.

I know that we’ve come along way since the start of this adventure. But I still feel scared. The fear just takes on new shapes and forms.

Moving day always brings anxiety, but this seems different. It feels like I now need to move out of home, back into the complete unknown. In some ways, I do. I think it just all arose so quickly. This morning, there seemed to be ample time left here, in Shanghai, with these incredible people, in this comforting home. Now, we’ve already said goodbye. We have one sleep left, but we’ll be out of here by the crack of dawn. It feels haunting, saying your goodbyes to someone still just on the other side of the wall.

It was our first real taste of staying with close friends, and it was such a stark difference to the aimless wandering we embarked on in Beijing the week prior. Watching that evaporate in the blink of an eye leaves an emptiness. I feel lost and afraid. I shouldn’t. We’ve got amazing things lined up, in incredible locations. But suddenly logistics weigh down my mind like an anchor. I can’t even see the destinations through the fog of work I feel needs to be done. I understand how irrational the fear is. In reality, the roadblocks are in small quantities; the wealth of experiences we’re about to have is vast. I think just having a taste of this homeliness has brought perspective. Being here offered so much relief. We’re now headed back towards the world that we needed to be relieved from. I’m acutely conscious of how entitled I feel while writing that.

I know we’ll be okay. After all, travelling to unfamiliar places as a duo has been our occupation this entire year. Yet, I can’t shake an uneasy despair. Like the last week of posts, this one, too, feels unfinished. This juncture feels different. I don’t know what to make of it. Maybe I just don’t like constantly packing up and leaving. Maybe I just need to sleep on it. Time will tell. It always does.