Excited, Guilty, Grateful, Stressed, Overwhelmed, and Confused

As I write this, I’m crying. I have no idea why.

Today, we returned to Ōsaka. A city that has been the closest thing to home for us this trip. After a six-hour train commute, we were greeted by the comforting embrace of the little Tsuruhashi studio apartment that had already hosted us twice over the past month. Yes, this specific accomodation is that good.

Yet, I don’t know how to feel. I feel something, but it doesn’t take on a single, capsular quantity. This space brings back memories. They should be thoroughly enjoyable. Our first stay here was where much of the form of our daily lives abroad so far started taking shape. Where I would run to Ōsaka Castle every day. Where the brand new kitchen and bathroom afforded us simple luxuries that I take even less for granted now that we’ve been on the move again. Where I accomplished some of my best, most impactful work to date this year.

There are two sides to the coin, though. Uniquely, it is the only location on this entire journey where Mary and I have split up and had completely different experiences. It was here where I abandoned her for nearly two weeks, then returned an absolute mess, only to have to check out the next morning. A bitter, incomplete goodbye to Tsuruhashi that I feel deserves resolution; amends. Although I don’t think it is valid, I also feel regret from our first stay. The place is great because it brings many comforts of home, but I can’t shake the feeling that it also acts as detriment in that way. I almost want the unfamiliar and mildly uncomfortable. When we were here last, we hardly saw much of Ōsaka, unless friends made plans with us when schedules happened to align, or I was out for a run. We walked to the grocery store a lot. The grocery store nearby is amazing. But as nice as that evening routine is, you start to feel like you’re spending the day inside at home, running errands in between. Again, not inherently a bad thing, though something I am still trying to place in my own mind.

Also, the time has flown so quickly. Sometimes. Tomorrow, it will have been a month since I left for the retreat. Two months nearly since I slept on the floor of Narita airport. Less than two weeks until I make a sub-3hr marathon push in an event I know practically nothing about. Of course, time always flies by in the rear view mirror. I’m torn on how to feel though. Suddenly, our time in Japan has flipped from a position of almost excessive abundance to scarcity. I want to savour each day. I kind of want more of the innocence, joy, and carefree attitude of a tourist, but have also grown weary of seeing the sights, and I don’t think that’s actually where I derive my enjoyment. Just living idly though feels wasteful. I could do that back at home. I don’t know how I should feel. I want to do things that feel meaningful together, not in isolation, sitting at a desk in front of a screen.

As I began this paragraph, my watch just informed me that I’d had a stressful day. I literally sat down trains for six hours. Yesterday, I felt very calm. Today, not so much. What accounts for that?

I feel excited. I feel really grateful for so many things. But also stressed, overwhelmed, and frustrated, plus guilty for feeling all the above. This is the most unbelievable opportunity, but confusion casts shadows of doubt across my mind. I think this background noise of rollercoaster emotions has always been there? Maybe having all of the known outlets of home at my disposal usually allows me to smooth out the volatility subconsciously, by burying myself in distractions. Here, I have a lot of time to just look out of the train window, and think.

Often, you’ll be asked “how are you?” Truth is, I rarely know. I know that in the big picture, I’m doing fantastically. Life is incredible. I’m so extraordinarily privileged. I have direction. Yet, in a year coloured by undertones of self-discovery and extracting purpose, I feel like I know myself less than ever before. Maybe that’s a good thing? I have no idea, but I’m glad I started this blog, over three months ago now. Talking to imaginary people is cathartic. Hope you’re having a great night x